For Being Brave

shivers race down my arms.

a feeling of hope, yet overwhelmed by despair

triumph immediately followed by sorrow, like always.

effort that is unmatched, that you have never seen,

yet unappreciated.

strength in my emotion. a lack of yours.

a mass of compromises. none noticed and none made by you.

I’m supposed to understand, your always right and sensible.

patience is a virtue you say, but when does it become a waste of time.

In my pain and misery, i sacrifice my pride for the sake of yours.

saying anything to not fight, always trying to make you happy.

a plethora of thoughts; pros, cons, costs, and benefits.

always acting logically but not with you. my feelings make me weak.

my attachment to people bind me in chains. hurt. pain. prolonged.

i manipulate. people. situations. and circumstances. i cannot with you.

my powers are expelled.

my attraction runs deep. physical. emotional.

i see neither with you. no kisses. none. no reassurance.

everyone feels. everyone needs. everyone wants. as i do.

i give. it drains me. you take.purging me of my energy.

i am weak now. these quarrels are unnecessary. they drain me more.

i wouldn’t have these with any other. why you? only you. when we talk,

shivers race down my arms.

...

I am weary and burdened. I come to you oh God. Give me peace. Give me rest.

My Prayer

Second semester of college at UTSA started recently. Also, I changed my life around. 

I will admit to being a "lukewarm" christian. I went to church on Sundays in the hope of absorbing the Pastors wise words while I was half asleep. I had a bad relationship and even worse friends. I wandered through my days just going with the flow. I recently got into a lot of trouble. I reached that point in my life, again, where i realized i can't live my life alone. I needed God but I felt guilty. I thought, "Who am I compared to God, my Father. How will he simply take me back after the thousands of times I failed him". But regardless of my lucrative operations where I only did things to benefit myself, His love still remained. 

The Sunday before 2nd semester started, I prayed. Before I slept, I bowed my head and prayed about everything. I prayed to God first praising and honoring Him for my life. Then glorifying and thanking Him for taking me back. I prayed for better friends and getting closer to the ones I already have. I prayed that I would be an example for what He, what God stands for. I prayed that I could get more involved with my wonderful church, FBCUC. I prayed for everything. 

Next day, Monday, I meet at least 20 new friends at school in a matter of 2 hours. I met Andrew a couple weeks ago; along with "Miss Friendly City," Sarah, who is very mean. jk I love them both very much.  I then get invited to go to C.U.B. aka Church Under the Bridge

--TIMEOUT--

 My buddy Andrew aka A-Stud, who might I add is one of the best friends I have ever had, invited me to C.U.B.  This church under the bridge outreach has helped me humble myself and realize a lot of things about myself. 

--TIMEIN--

I also got a lot closer to my friend Katie! I love her very much!

I also met Aaron. I guess you can say we're accountability partners and he has significantly blessed my life!

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this blog...I'm just so grateful that God has brought me back on the right track and that I am no longer lukewarm but I am red hot. Im on fire for God and on fire because I'm so sexy.  I'm grateful that God has blessed me with wonderful friends. Katie, Andrew, Sarah, Aaron, Nicole. These are my new and renewed friends. I love them. I love my God. 

My Favorite Words

Behold, GOD is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; He also is become my salvation.     

Isaiah 12:2

I will bless the Lord at all times:

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul shall make her boast in the Lord:

The humble shall hear of it and be glad.

Oh magnify the Lord with me,

and let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord and He heard me,

and delivered me from all my fears!! 

Psalm 34: 1-4

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

We Want, They Need.

On the way home today from my last day of this college semester, i saw a man. I saw a homeless man whose clothes were torn, face disheveled, and lacked the strength to stand. His expression of pure agony and indignity could not be disguised. His forlorn and despondent figure laid beside the road. When i peered through the glass and gazed upon his hopelessness, i too felt hopeless. Then guilt rushed through me body and I thought to myself. I realized how lucky I am for all the things I possess. The things I take for granted are too much. This poor man has nothing. In the harsh fifty two degree weather, where I am comfortable and warm in my home, the poor man has no home. He simply calls the city his home and the thirteen foot overpass bridge the roof over his head. With Christmas coming around, people are going to use the word "want" more times than we could comprehend. I don't want people to forget the true meaning of Christmas is to give, not receive. Do your part. Always thank God for what you have, you might not have it forever.

The Karma Of Life

Ok, so in the blog I wrote yesterday, I simply incoherently ranted about the discontent of my life at this point. Now I must do the same for the pleasures. College aside, life is fine. The one thing that seems to keep me going is, believe it or not, my job. I work at Outback Steakhouse at the Forum. This past summer I had no conceivable idea that I would get a job. For the people that know me, it's just not something I do. My supreme self-centeredness and lack of reality grasped my mind and convinced it that im a "responsible" person. I am not; correction, I was not. My mouth being fed by a golden spoon had cajoled me into a lack of understanding. My mind was convinced that i would always get what i wanted.  I had no reason to believe otherwise. Anything I wanted, I received. All i had to do was ask. As the moon set over my High School career and the dawn of a new day rose i had a uncommon notion of responsibility. I  guess I wanted to show my parents I was capable of being responsible. I jolted into action searching for that perfect job. Being the ego manic I foraged for a retail job. I looked at places like Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch. Once again the only reason I even had the urge to get a job there was for the attractive girls that probably don't know how to say anything other than, "Hey guys, welcome to Hollister. Be sure to check out our winter clothes in the back!" Shoot me! So my friend recommend me to a restaurant. Outback Steakhouse. My hesitancy couldn't have peaked any higher. The last place i wanted to work would be in the food industry. Despite my fear, I applied and got hired. My job was as simple as walking. 

"What has my life come to!" 

My search for responsibility has found me as used plates, glasses and silverware on dirty tables. Yet, i went about my job. I made friends without any effort. I was actually having more fun at work than college or... my GOD dare i not say it... sleeping! After three and a half months of this job; and spending every ounce of money that I had earned, I realized something. I matured. Im responsible. And this divine realization has found me in the best way possible, a promotion and a raise. One word, "extolled". Your probably wondering why I inputed "Karma" into the title. I went above and beyond in my job. I excelled more than I ever have. Though this seems miniscule and pathetic, it's meaning to me is unmatched. I don't feel like listing all the things I did "good." That would simply raise my ego from the dead only to reenter me with more force than ever. Instead, I'll just write this utterly meaningless blog to whomever has the time and attention to read this. I just simply want to state that doing good, never hurts. Also taking risks and chances is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

- James Vadala

Where Did it Go?

Ok, so here is the deal. All through high school, life was great. Of course i had my ups and downs but other then that factor, life was amazing. I didn't once glance at true reality when i was in HS. Never did i ponder about college or the fate it held for me. Then i graduated and got accepted in many universities but i blatantly peered through the letters and decided that UTSA would be fine. My lack of effort and sense of mediocrity got the better of me. I wanted a easy life. Then college started. It was all I could have ever hoped for. All through HS i had convinced myself college would be the best time of my life. I had a plethora of friends who i though would always be there for me. Little did i know. I went to parties and threw parties. I was popular and people loved me. Girls loved me. Then it started going downhill. My classes got increasingly tougher. My friends gradually mellowed away into a shadow I could barely see. College became bland. Its not that I'm doing bad in college. It's just that all through HS I went to school for my friends. I didn't give a damn about school. I couldn't have cared any less. Every morning now when I lean over to smash the snooze button only for it to ring again, i wonder why I feel so forced waking up. I know its not because I'm tired. It's because i have nothing to look forward to. My live doesn't suck and i do have friends. It's just the fun and passion has left. I was highly mistaken when I convinced myself that college would be more fun then high school. This obviously doesn't apply to everyone. Just me. I know things will get better but this is the way things are now. I wonder where it went...

- James Vadala